


Working with Wood

by ScarletDrizzle



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Chatlog AU, F/F, Fluff and Crack, Lexa is an innocent gay, Sort Of, and the laughable concept of lexa being into dudes, as Clarke soon realizes, bi!crack, but it feels like it fits, but not in that way, clarke is thirsty, for wood puns, ill be honest tho im not sure what that means, just come prepared, this AU is my child and i will protect it, tinder au, who loves wood
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-19 18:57:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22003414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarletDrizzle/pseuds/ScarletDrizzle
Summary: On an niche meet-up app made for lady-loving women, Clarke and Lexa find themselves engaged in a peculiar, yet enthralling conversation about...wood.Except Clarke thinks they're talking about dicks.And Lexa thinks they're talking about her passion for lumberjacking...100% crack and I have absolutely no regrets. Originally a one-shot.
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 65
Kudos: 404





	Working with Wood

**Author's Note:**

> I really let my bi show with this fic but I'm so fucking here for it. 
> 
> Just as a forewarning, there is some mention of sex-work (in a sex-positive and non-shaming way). Enjoy this Wood!AU crack, folks!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"OMG I can't believe I found someone else who's into working with wood!!! What are the chances?! :D"_
> 
> **AKA,** A silly app, a sillier girl, and the start of the silliest love story every told...

Clarke was not sure what she had been expecting to happen when she downloaded the 'hot new' gay dating app ( _Shivalry_ , which was just... _ugh_ ). Then again, to say it was _she_ who'd downloaded the app was a bit generous, since reality looked much closer to Raven wrestling her thumb onto the fingerprint detector and speeding away to swipe right like a tinder pro before Clarke had the chance to catch her. All because, according to Raven, she was "such a horndog when you're stuck on the gay side of your bi-cycle!"...

Which, come on, _rude_...

But also true.

She'd been mad about the silly new icon on her homescreen for all of ten minutes, until Raven began grinning that Cheshire-grin that was surely trademarked, and started showing her all the _objectively attractive_ women she had apparently already matched with. Which, frankly... _WOW._

She'd remained not-mad for another 10 seconds after that (though to be honest she was less _not-mad_ and more _distracted_ ) — until she saw the ridiculously revealing snap Raven had decide to use as her profile pic... The one where she was wearing a positively lecherous smirk with a heated gaze to match, and a caption that read, _"I do both carpeted and wooden floors, hmu for availability ;)"_

The one that was meant to be **_A JOKE_** , thank you very much!!! (mostly. making her ex jealous was just a bonus)

By the time Clarke had begun assembling a list of ways to **_murder_** Raven, the girl in question had already vanished from sight, leaving nothing behind but echoes of an amused cackle, along with Clarke's near-constantly buzzing cell phone.

Which, once again, brought her to her current predicament about an hour later. Because of all the things she had expected when she finally gave in and started scrolling through her _Shivalry_ matches... She was _not_ expecting to enter into a detailed, surprisingly intense discussion about... wood. Well, _that_ wood. The one whose mention is usually accompanied by a winky face, and is also commonly evoked using the infamous eggplant emoji.

But there it was, in the middle of a handful of other, much more vulgar, pick-up lines. A simple _"_ **OMG I can't believe I found someone else who's into working with wood!!! What are the chances?! :D"**

It had come from a new user named **_LexaThatsExtra_**. And after a quick glance at her profile — where she honest to god _apologized_ for not being able to properly punctuate her username, and barely showed skin in her profile pic — Clarke concluded that she was just... shy about using the obvious alternate word. And that was fine, because she was _cute_ and, Christ _,_ Clarke _**so** _had a thing for shy girls, and before she quite knew what she was doing, the blonde had found herself nearly an hour into texting this strange, smoking hot brunette who seemed to be slightly _too_ enthusiastic about her sexuality...

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** Oh man I have to say again I'm ridiculously excited to have something else like me on here!

> I'm sorry if I'm being annoying bringing it up, it's just never happened!

Clarke couldn't help but chuckle as their conversation once again inevitably circled back to the topic that had brought them together. She grinned at her phone, biting her lip at the thought that this _unfairly_ attractive woman could somehow be a baby bisexual... And she couldn't help find the thought equal parts _adorable_ and exhilarating. And it was with that in mind, along with the influence of Lexa's contagious excitement, that Clarke finally decided to humor the girl's desire to discuss this peculiar topic... 

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** im glad we have something in common ;)
> 
> but is it really so rare to see wood-loving ladies around here?

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** I mean it’s really a niche so I get it :)
> 
> And if there are more of us around, they're probably swamped, right? Christmas is always a busy time for customers.

Clarke paused at that last word, the air in her lungs freezing in the middle of an exhale. Customers. _Customers._ _Customer **s**._

And just like that, the image Clarke had cultivated over the past hour of this sweet little baby bisexual was shattered into a million pieces, replaced instead with something entirely different, which she had no idea what to feel about...

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** wait
> 
> you get paid...
> 
> for that??

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** Yeah? What, don’t tell me you do it for free…

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** I mean… yeah.

Clarke scowled at where this was going, feeling almost offended. Was this a mean joke? Was Lexa just messing with her here, throwing out the classic 'bisexuals are sluts' stereotype? She hardly seemed the type, but Clarke had never been the most tolerant of even the most flippant biphobia...

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** Oh.
> 
> Well you’re a better person than I am then, lol. Gotta pay the bills, you know.
> 
> And it _is_ pretty physically demanding work, even if it’s a hobby.

_Hobby!?_ Clarke repeated in her head, feeling almost a little overwhelmed... Though to be fair she was hardly one to talk, considering her own sexual appetite.

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** I do give discounts sometimes though depending on what it’s for and how much wood it is.
> 
> But maybe I should follow your example and start doing some fully pro bono work… :)

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** um, yeah...

Clarke bit her lip a bit harder than before, feeling like a bit of a bitch for her earlier reaction, and for pushing Lexa on a topic that must surely be a delicate one.

So... that was real, she was serious. And Clarke was... kind of okay with it, she supposed? She'd long since unsubscribed to the demonization of sex work, especially if someone _needed it_ to pay the bills. And Raven had spent most of their college years working at many a gentleman's club on the side to support herself — despite Clarke's offers for help — so it wasn't like she was altogether unfamiliar with the area. But _Christ_...

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** i didnt mean to push you, obviously we gotta make a living. and i would never judge you. :) <3
> 
> i mean it would be kind of narrowminded of me in 2019, almost 2020

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** Thanks, I guess? I didn't think you _would_ judge me. I mean, we literally do the same thing. 
> 
> Which, have I mentioned how awesome that is? :D

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** i just meant there's a stigma attached to it and people are usually asses.

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** Eh, fuck gender roles.

"Damn straight," Clarke agreed with an approving nod, glad that Lexa at least seemed comfortable with who she was. 

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** well just so you know, im happy youre taking life into your own hands :D
> 
> you do stay safe tho right, like extra safe?

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** Yeah of course, safety is the number one priority in the trade!
> 
> Not that it's too dangerous tbh, I'm really just getting the wood down is all, nothing too special about it.
> 
> You have a go at it from one side then you go at it from the other. Eventually it just… goes down with that satisfying _thump_ :)

(A thump, a _THUMP?!_ )

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** ive, uhh, never heard it being described like that... 

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** I guess we must do it differently, then! :)
> 
> So do you do things in-house or by consultation? Do you have like a proper workshop? Sorry, I’m just curious about how different we are!

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** oh, I mean like I said I don’t like... get paid. so I kinda just do it... wherever I guess?
> 
> their place, mostly.

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** Ah, freelance, I like it!
> 
> I tend to prefer in-house. Then when I’m done with the wood I just have to lug it off somewhere so I can deal with it later when I need it.

(Lug it off?!)

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** thats... an interesting way to look at it.

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** Really? I’ve never thought so. What do you do?

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** i mean, i dunno…
> 
> just what any woman does i guess? i didn’t know there was like a rulebook, lol…

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** I’m sorry, I’m confused.
> 
> What does being a woman have to do with this?

Clarke groaned at her slip-up, lifting a palm to cover her face. Leave it to her to be heteronormative in an app dedicated to lesbian dating...

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** you’re so right OMG it totally doesn’t. my bad! :)

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** No worries, I was just confused. :)
> 
> You were saying?

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** yeah.. um, what every _person_ does with wood, i guess?

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** Throw it in the fire?

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** NO WTF? why would you do that!!

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** I know right! It’s such a waste. You can do so much more with good wood than just helping you keep warm. I mean, that’s what you use twigs for...

"Jesus Christ, who _are_ you," Clarke murmured at her phone in mild awe and astonishment. Lexa had gone from the sweet baby bi who could hardly say the word _dick_ , to... seemingly the most prolific casanova in North America. Who was making _a living of it_.

And what did she mean by _**TWIGS**?!_

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** You won't laugh at me if I admit something silly right?

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** no ofc not
> 
> tbh I think we're wayyy past the point of me laughing at you...

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** I feel like such a dork but sometimes I unironically watch those crazy wood competitions and get really like into it... Anya makes fun of me when I start cheering, lol.
> 
> But maybe I can convince you to watch one with me, corrupt you to my influence >:D
> 
> She can’t gang up on me when it’s the two of us :) <3

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** Umm...

Clarke bit her lip, unsure of what to say. As tempting as it was to go on a date with this strange enigma of a woman who spoke in nothing but riddles and seemed both shy and incredibly sexual... watching porn in any setting but _alone and in the dark_ was just about where she drew the line.

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** i mean, i would love to watch something with you but the thing you mention is... a bit too kinky for me to be honest

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_**???

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** i don't think I'd be into it. im more of a Netflix girl when it comes to dates.

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** Oh, I mean that's totally okay, no pressure obviously :)
> 
> I'm a fall asleep to Netflix girl too, but I’ll always be down if you want to give it a go sometime!

Clarke was halfway through tailoring a text that tied Netflix to a convoluted pick-up line, when she got Lexa's next message.

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** I like purple heart best, personally.

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** ...what

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** Purple heart? I like it best.
> 
> Just, if I had to chose a wood to work with.

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** is that like a metaphor or euphemism or something? it sounds... horrifying.

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** No, it's a type of wood. Purple heart? Have you never worked with it before?
> 
> Here, it looks like this.

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** no no omg lexa i so dont need to see that rn! 

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** Wood.png

> **_ClarkewithaE:_**...
> 
> wait thats just wood

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** Yeah, I know. I just thought you were confused :)

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** no lexa i mean thats literally wood

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** I know, I'm the one who posted it.
> 
> It’s purple heart, really pretty to work with. Especially with the right polish!

"Oh." Clarke shot up from the couch with a start, "My," she clawed a hand at her face, nails digging into her skin, " ** _GOD_**!" she groaned, a feeling of dread now slowly settling into her bones...

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** Lexa.

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** Clarke? <3

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** what... do you do again

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_**?
> 
> I'm a lumberjack/wood-worker. I take down wood for various different projects, most of which I do in-house.
> 
> I thought that was what we were talking about this whole time…?

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** oh

"RAVEN" Clarke screamed at the top of her lungs, her insides feeling the exact opposite of what her simple _'oh'_ had implied, and her eyes seeing red. "I AM GOING TO FUCKING **_MURDER_** YOU FOR DOWNLOADING THIS FUCKING APP I SWEAR TO CHRIST!!"

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** Clarke?
> 
> Clarke, you okay? You're scaring me a bit.

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** so... when you said you were glad to find someone like you who was into wood you meant
> 
> ...a lumberjack

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** Yeah?
> 
> Wait, what did _you_ mean?

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** i meant i was bi.

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** That's totally okay! :)

"Oh my god, _stop_ ," Clarke groaned, her cheeks burning, feeling some way about the fact that Lexa's first reaction to this life-altering revelation was innocent reassurance and validation of Clarke's sexuality. She watched with a feeling of dread as the text bubbles appeared and disappeared several times, wanting to just crawl into the deepest, darkest corner of hell as she watched realization finally dawn on the brunette.

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** oh...
> 
> OH

Here it comes —

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** JESUS CHRIST CLARKE
> 
> You thought I was talking about DICKS for the last 30 minutes!!

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** you never specified!!!

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** I said wood! I was literally talking about WOOD!
> 
> How much more specific do you need me to be!! OH MY GOD!

There was a long pause of silence after that, which Lexa was obviously using to scroll back through the messages and rereading their one-sided conversation. And Clarke patiently awaited her death...

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** HOLY SHIT CLARKE YOU THOUGHT I WAS A HOOKER?!

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** Not in a bad way!!! I told you I don’t judge!!

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** Oh my GOD. I _cannot_ believe this!
> 
> Now I _really_ need to take you out on a date. Christ... 😂

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** please dont
> 
> i just embarrassed myself enough to do an impersonation of an ostrich. i dont think i can show my face in society for another year at least

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** I need to look you in the eye as I reread this entire conversation to you. 😂
> 
> I'm dying right now, Clarke you've killed me!! Jesus Christ!
> 
> Tell them I wanted a purple heart casket if they find me dead, okay? ;)

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** i hate you

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** <3
> 
> So, Trikru's? Tomorrow night? :)

Clarke just about wanted to cry with laughter as she read the invite, astonished beyond belief that this angelic, goddess, _dream_ of a woman still wanted to have anything to do with her...

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** god, you dont know how much i would like that...
> 
> isnt it pricey tho?

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** Yeah, well. I make a decent living.
> 
> You know.
> 
> With my wood business.

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** you know what, my schedule is starting to look busier by the minute

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** OK OK that was the last one, I swear! 😇😇

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** Why don’t I believe you...

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** See, you really should because I easily could've made a bee-lieve joke there to tie it all back full circle :)

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** you just did. and it was a terrible joke, i dont even know what it meant…
> 
> i still hate you, but i can do 8

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** Great :)
> 
> Woodn’t miss it for the world.

> **_ClarkewithaE:_**...

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** WAIT CLARKE THAT WAS A TYPO I SWEAR!!!

**_ClarkewithaE_** **is now offline**

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** OMG CLARKEEE NO PLEASE COME BACK
> 
> THAT WAS A TYPO IM SORRYYY
> 
> D':

**_ClarkewithaE_** **is now online**

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** CLARKE YESSS, YOU CAME BACK!! <3 <3

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** youre on thin ice missy

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** I know, I know!
> 
> ...It was pretty funny though. 😏

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** YOU DID IT ON PURPOSE I KNEW IT.
> 
> i really hate you right now.

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** :)
> 
> Address?

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** now why would i give my address to someone i hate?!

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** <3?

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** no

> **_LexaThatsExtra:_** <3 <3?
> 
> **:*** ?? 

> **_ClarkewithaE:_** 3527 Arcadia Drive

> **_LexaThat_** ** _sExtra:_** :D
> 
> I'll pick you up at 8 ;)

**Author's Note:**

> Ok but seriously though, you know Lexa's just going to make a running gag of this for the rest of their fucking lives. Like everytime they come across a new wooden thing she'll like knock lightly on it and ask Clarke what kind of wood she thinks it is, and made ridiculous wood puns that make Clarke wish death by embarrassment was a thing. And then when they move in together Lexa'll make wooden keyrings with like a purple-heart-emoji on them... _ugh just fucking end me_
> 
> And then one day she'll actually take Clarke out to chop down some wood, but it's actually just a hollowed out prompt, and when Clarke cracks it open there's like a wooden jewelry box made of purple heart and Lexa's on one fucking knee, and I just fucking _can't_. 
> 
> And when they're getting married Lexa'll low-key be stressed about what Clarke wants to do with their last names because she wants to combine them to be Griffin-Woods, but she's scared Clarke'll think it's another joke and she's halfway to pacing a hole in the ground before Clarke finally calms her down by kissing her senseless...
> 
> And oh my god I'm actually in love with Wood!AU.


End file.
